TITS FOR TAT

“She’s cute. No she’s gorgeous. Make that ravishing.”
“She’s okay. She may have been all that if she had decent boobs!”, says Sahir matter-of-factly. I gawked at him.
Like I’ve said time and again, boys will be boys. And they love big boobs, no matter where the hell they may live on this planet.(or off it)
I don’t really subscribe to this school of thought, though I wouldn’t mind having a piece of them. And this incredulous taste of mine amazes me to no end. I mean here I am; a straight-forward God fearing simple guy (ahem, not exactly) who unabashedly preaches the virtues of Seerat (nature) and Surat(face) of a gal and the futility of going for the booming chests. But show me a ‘blossomed’ chick and my jaw will drop to the ground just like the next guy. And I can’t think of a single guy who wouldn’t do that. I claim that as a fact, for I’ve known some of the most innocent guys you can find on this planet. Let’s just say I have a knack of getting people to confide in me with their most cherished secrets, not to mention desires and temptations. So believe me when I say I know what men want.
I’ve observed(even read about) this trait extensively, but it’s only now when Sahir comes out with this stoic verdict that I realize it is a Universal Truth: Men Love Big Breasts. I specifically mention breasts and not the owner itself, though it may sound pretty obvious that if you like a part of her, you would like her as well. Well not necessarily. Incredible as it may sound; sometimes men will only ogle at the breasts oblivious of the owner (if she’s your average Jane, that is), like they have a life of their own and can satisfy him more than the woman itself.
I think we can safely conclude that this attraction is firmly ingrained in our psyche. We all know that God made the female attractive to male so that he can copulate with her and ensure the survival of the mankind. But why make the bosom so much luring for the man? What’s so special about it? I really can’t fathom it; one of the most baffling mysteries of life to me.
But it’s comical as well. Imagine how ridiculously hilarious it may sound to any alien that happens to visit our planet, that the male species on this planet who begin their life by feeding off the nourishment provided by the two female mammary glands grow up to be sexually aroused by them.
I mean they are what they are; just two soft fleshy milk-secreting glandular organs on the chest of a woman designed to cater for the offspring. And yet they are powerful enough to fuel the entire porn industry, the surgical industry, not to mention the mainstream movie business. Think breast implants and Pamela Andersen, Demi Moore and Anna Nicole Smith. Okay, maybe that’s a sick analogy.
But how did it come to be? On a primal level, it’s the desire of every woman to please his male counterpart. Women may hark and bark all they want about women power and all the notorious edges they have over men, but at the end of the day they need men. And what better way to get your man than to entice him with your tits(wits are going obsolete).
The overwhelming presence of padded bras, silicone cups and what not in the women’s lingerie arsenal points to the only viable conclusion that women are very much conscious about their breasts, more so than their body itself. They will go to any length to enhance that all elusive cleavage , for whom? Off course for the men though they may innocently declare they just wanna look good, but to what end? So yeah, I do think women have an innate desire of having their breasts appreciated preferable by the opposite sex. So how do they go about this business? Well, by exposing them as much as they can within the social norms of the times. Remember Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl baring? That brought the wrath of almost everyone upon her. She must have wished she was living in the 17th century. Why? That’s because ‘breast baring’ was a fashion back then in England, Netherlands and God knows where else. Before you decide to say bull… check out Discovery Channel’s study on it. Interesting, isn’t it? According to the report, it wasn’t just for the sake of fashion; they were an indication of the woman’s virtue! Our era looks medieval compared to those times. So, it’s not a new phenomenonSorry if I’ve stereotyped the entire female gender about being obsessed their body. Women like her still exist who are striving to break the shackle and go beyond the superficial layer of their existence.
It must be really mind boggling for the womankind, especially girls. They must have looked at theirs a hundred times and couldn’t for the life of them fathom what’s so goddamn special about them. But they really are conscious about them. Take the case of this skinny girl in our university; as flat as they come. And yet in just under three years she had ‘blossomed’ drastically without any noticeable change to her overall anatomy. No big deal really. Only that it stirred a commotion among the male population which propelled her to stardom, or something like it. Her tits were the talk of the town. The self proclaimed experts (which includes just about every male in the university) were formulating theories and hypothesis how she could have achieved such a feat in record time. Some were downright sceptical; dismissing it as just a visual effect brought about by padding, while others had come up with all sorts of weird scenarios, including surgery! But most were content that it was natural, probably the result of the reliable ‘Imli’ and ‘kyaeri’. Whatever the verdict, she became the object of affection of many, not all, mind you. Those who earlier thought of her as just an ordinary girl suddenly began to see some striking features in her which they missed for three straight years!
So that was a desi-boob-success story. But the thing is she wasn’t that bad looking even before, and with time she even groomed herself considerably (did I mention her mother runs a beauty parlour?). So it was the overall effect which did the trick for her. Many though disagree vehemently. Really, the things men discuss.
One other thing which we (i.e. us friends) can’t comprehend is the treatment meted out to the breasts in X-rated movies. Whether they be soft porn or hardcore, caressing of the boobs is just a temporary stop en route to some other destination. A kiss here and a suckle there, and then it’s off to greener pastures. I mean, what’s wrong here? Men can’t get enough of them when they are ogling, but when the time comes to show some ‘loving care’ to these beauties, they are ignored. Maybe the directors think they are not erotic enough. However, we on the other side of this allusive wall think it ain’t fair, but then what do we know?
Over the years I’ve heard quite a few boob jokes. Here’s one of them. It was originally in Urdu, so I’m translating in English, which means it’s probably not going to sound hilarious to you people. Anyway, here goes:
Little Jack was pissed at his mother for not letting him suckle while letting his new born brother have that luxury. So one night he smears poison on her mother’s breast, confident he would get rid of the little pest for good.
The next day he found the father dead.
And here’s another pathetic translation:
Two sisters went to a witch to put an end to their dilemmas: one had big boobs who needed shrinkage and the other small who wanted an increase. The witch gave each of them a spell to get the desired result.
The next day the smaller one comes running to the witch,” What have you done?” she shrieks out. “My tits are gone!”
“Omigosh! The potions must have got interchanged. Where’s your sister?”
“The dairy farm folks took her away.”